[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2008|
|Monday, July 30th, 2007|
So. My best friend just got dumped. (Or at least that's how I assumed it went down. He didn't actually say.) And while I'm upset for him because I know this must be tearing him apart, THAT BITCH DOESN'T DESERVE HIM ANYWAY. He hasn't been happy for a while now. I'm almost glad it's over so he can move on and find someone better. Someone who'll actually make him happy. I just... wish it'd waited a little longer to happen so I could be there for him. His summer's sucked enough already.
Hmm, how is my boyfriend going to react to me hanging out with a single guy all the time? He says he's not the jealous type, but... we'll see. Also, how am I
going to react to me hanging out with a single guy all the time? He's kinda cute.... My boyfriend's going to be pissed
. Current Mood: worried
|Wednesday, July 25th, 2007|
God, I feel awful today. Date with boyfriend sucked. We argued a bunch, the same fucking argument we keep having. Stupid argument. I'm sorry I have feelings. I'm sorry you can't figure out how to avoid hurting my feelings after I spell it out for you. Actually, I'm sorry you can't figure out a lot of things after I spell them out for you.
Making out sucked, too. Didn't last long. Did he particularly suck today, or is it me? I just want a finger or two in my cunt, knock it off with trying to get me excited. Also, figure out when I'm trying to orgasm. Quit wriggling around and let me cum, goddammit. When I'm trying to hold your hand still, HOLD YOUR FUCKING HAND STILL. Shit. And stop kissing me the way I hate. Sorry I was so bitchy about it tonight, but I've told you so many times already. Shit, I know it's just what comes natural to you. But damn you sucked tonight.
Damn it, I just want a good orgasm. My period's starting soon and I won't get another chance before then. I'm just about crying with frustration here. It's already been more than a week since my last one....
I really need to get me a vibrator. Current Mood: frustrated
|Saturday, June 30th, 2007|
Feeling down and alone right now. (So, of course, I post to the journal no one reads.) I think being on my period/right before makes me think of my ex. I don't know why. It's been at least a year since we last talked and I don't think I want to talk to him any more. But things remind me of him. Watching Marilyn Manson's new video, they look/move the same, kind of have the same feel. (Oh no! I'm writing like my real-life self! I must cuss more! Shit fuck hell! Okay, I feel better, for now.) And... dealing with my best friend right now reminds me of him. I feel like I'm trying to fulfill ridiculous goals he set for me with so little in return. I wish I could stand up for myself more. This is who I am, stop belittling my interests and hobbies, don't ask me to do things if you're not willing to do similar things for me, &c. But I get so caught up in the moment and having too much fun to stop and realise it's happening again until it's too late to say anything. I could just not do the things he asks, but I don't think it'd get my point across. I doubt he'd even notice, so important to him are these things he asks me to do. It's not like I ask a lot, either. I try to remember that I'm not the most important person in the world, that he has other people he can/would rather talk to. I want to be as useful as I can, but that's barely useful at all. Shit. I'm sick of feeling like a silly little girl. I'm not, and I could do even better if someone would show me how and give me a chance.
I need to get away from you. I need to feel closer to you. I need you to respect me. Is it that I need to respect myself more first? I feel like I've both grown and reverted this year, and I don't know what is thanks to you. Why do I cling to you so desperately? Am I that desperate for friends? Because, yes, the good times are so much more plentiful than the bad, but the bad times are so bad.
Dammit, you guys, anyone, I need you, someone, to make a show of commitment to me. I need to know for sure that I have at least one solid person to fall on. I know I shouldn't be so scared, and usually I'm not, but sometimes I am. I need to know who I can count on to be there for me.
Bugger, I wish I wasn't so weak. Or at least strong enough to post this where someone could actually see this.
After I typed all this, I remembered that I do have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. He may not fully understand me, nor I him, but he does try. He'll always be there for me and I do love him. Current Mood: uncertain, worried, scared
|Wednesday, March 14th, 2007|
Arg, doing homework makes me feel incompetent. Tragically, I cannot put this in my papers. I have to pretend I know what I'm doing. Ew.
I was going to come back and take back/erase what I said in my last entry, but looking at it now, I still don't really regret it. I just hope none of my real-life friends come across it. I didn't mean to say I don't like my boyfriend, btw. I do, but sometimes I'm in a mood where his personality grates my nerves. I'm not my friend's type, either, and I know this. I didn't mean to say I'd rather switch. I've thought about it, but I always decide I'd rather have a best friend who's not going anywhere than romance that could fuck up at any time.
Oh dear, I was going to try cutting back on the cursing this time. If anyone actually reads this, I don't want to scare them off with all my swearing. That, and it sounds unintelligent. I shouldn't intentionally sabotage myself like that; I do it enough unintentionally. I don't even use such strong language in real life; I guess I just start relaxing my guard and get carried away. Oh well.
I should get another icon.
|Saturday, February 17th, 2007|
So. I think I'm starting to like my best friend more than I like my boyfriend. It's kinda scaring me. It's just so much easier for me to talk to him. My current boyfriend is actually starting to get on my nerves. Things he says, he's just joking, but sometimes it's hard to tell, and sometimes it accidentally hurts. Sometimes he's serious but I don't say anything because I'm tired of him interrupting me with what he thinks of what I'm saying. I understand if you don't agree, but wait until I'm done so you know where my logic ends up.
Too bad my friend already has a girlfriend and doesn't seem to be giving her up anytime soon. There'd probably be a catfight over him if they broke up, too. Damn he's hot. And, you know, nice and shit. Funny. Hot. Whoops, I already said that one. I didn't used to think so, but now that I know him better I'd totally do him.
Maybe I'll have to find my best girl friend and tell her. It'd be nice to be able to admit this out loud, but she's the only one I'd feel even close to being able to tell. I don't ever see her enough. Well. Okay, I can think of one other person I could tell, but I'm not sure what he would do with the information.
Dang I'm writing in this blog a lot now. Too bad I have no one to read it. Current Mood: confused
|Friday, February 16th, 2007|
So... my roommate's boyfriend is over... an hour and a half past leaving time. And he's asleep. Joy.
Also, I think I may have walked in on my best friend wanking. This amuses me greatly; I know not why.
Although now I can't complain to him about my roommate's boyfriend. That sucks. I feel kinda lonely about that.
I wish I could ask people what their secret wank fantasies are. I'm not sure why I want to do this, if I'm hoping it involves me, or if it's to get myself off through some twisted form of voyeurism, or if I'm looking for inspiration, or if I'm just bored or what. I think it'd be interesting to get a peek into their heads, maybe learn something about their personalities. I bet if I did manage to ask someone, it'd be really boring.
I want a Coke, but it's too close to bedtime. Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to go shower now. Wank to it, bitches. Current Mood: freaking fantastic
|Monday, January 15th, 2007|
Wow, I haven't updated this journal in forever. I was originally going to post H/D fanfic up here that I didn't really want my RL friends to know about, but I never got around to writing it. (That, and I think my friends know about my H/D by now.) Then I was going to use it for all my angst I wanted to get off my chest without making RL drama worse... but I have none of that, either. I felt bad about a journal that was empty though, so I'll write something in here anyway.
My non-dancing boyfriend danced with me last night. We were all alone in my dorm room, listening to some music, when he stood up, took me in his arms, and started swaying. Not really complicated dancing, but it was incredibly sweet. I actually started tearing up, I was so happy. Fortunately, I managed to get it under control before he saw me. I'd feel silly having to explain how lately I'd been depressed over the fact that nobody had really asked me to dance with them, and how I'd figured my chances were pretty slim, since we're pretty serious and he refuses to dance at all. He's really fantastic, and sometimes I wonder if I really deserve him.
Also, I am peeved at my brother forgetting me today, even though I IMed him last night. AND called him this afternoon. Grr.
|Sunday, May 29th, 2005|
Okay, tell me that this is not the cutest thing ever. GO ON. TELL ME.
Oh, and in other news, I am so sick of taking Tyler's abuse. But I got some cute art at the con yestrday! Current Mood: Eee, teh cute!